BOTH AND

Growing up I used to pray, “Lord, please help me to be a positive example.”  This especially became my prayer when I became a mother! But, as I traveled through life I veered off the “path of righteousness” and down some pretty dark and desolate paths before finally turning back to The Truth.

Coming back to Jesus was NOT easy. Don’t get me wrong… HE welcomed me back immediately, and there was ALWAYS peace in my prayers and time with Him.  But, there were those who were still on the “other” paths and did not want me to leave them, and sadly, there were some on the “right” path who saw the baggage I carried with me, and saw it as an opportunity to add to my shame. I even had one “friend” continuously tell me what a bad mother I was, saying, “You always wanted to be a positive example, but instead you’re just a horrible warning!” Oftentimes I felt like I brought all my sins to the foot of the cross, and others would pick them up and beat me with them.

It took me years, but I finally learned to distance myself from hurtful “friends” and take my sins directly to Jesus in prayer. While always Truthful, He is never “brutally” honest - He is loving and kind in His teaching… difficult though it may be.

Recently, I said something I knew I shouldn’t have said, (completely ignoring that still small voice (1 Kings 19:11-12) of the Holy Spirit!) and just charged on ahead with what I had to say. Afterwards, of course, I felt absolutely terrible, and started listening to that old familiar recording in my head, telling me what a complete failure I was. As is the usual pattern, I then started reliving ALL my past failures, until I was in tears.

Finally, I started to pray. (I say “finally” because there are times when I must have life literally drive me to my knees before I remember what I should do when I’m there! *sigh*)

I first asked for forgiveness, not only for what I’d said, but mostly for disobeying the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Immediately, I felt a peace flood my heart, like a warm hug from Jesus Himself.

“I’m so sorry,” I said to Him. “I HATE failing.”

“I know you do…” I felt Jesus reply to my heart, “…that’s called pride.” I immediately felt ashamed, but He continued softly, “You’re learning, my child. You only “fail” if you don’t try again.”

“I always want to be a positive example,” I cried, “but just like my friend said, I’ve just been a horrible warning.”

“It’s actually both and.” Jesus answered. “You’re both a positive example AND a horrible warning.”

This didn’t make me feel any better, so Jesus continued.

“Being “both and” is not a bad thing. Abraham was both and. Moses was both and. David was both and… the only person who has never failed, is me… People don’t need to see that you’re perfect… they need to see HOW and WHAT you do WHEN you fail.  Do you blame other people or circumstances and rail against the world? (Proverbs 14:1) Or do you humble yourself, ask for forgiveness, and try again? It’s good to keep trying, but be gentle with yourself in the process. When a toddler is learning to walk, you don’t scold them when they fall and tell them what a failure they are. You help them up, brush them off, and encourage them to try again. (John 8:10-11) Treat yourself like the child of God that you are.” (1 John 3:1)

He sat with me quietly as I let His words sink into my heart.

“Failure is actually a small success. It’s a good thing, when you allow it to teach you.” He finally said softly. “You learn what DOESN’T work, so you’re that much closer to finding what DOES.” It felt like He gently kissed me on the forehead as I finally drifted off to sleep.

I know I’m not alone in this struggle, so I’m sharing this with you… hopefully you can come to peace with BOTH the positive example AND the horrible warning that you are as well.

In Jesus’ name.

Amen.

SCRIPTURES

1 Kings 19:11-12 ~ And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. (KJV)

Proverbs 14:1 ~ A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. (NLT)

John 8:10-11 ~  Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” (NIV)

1 John 3:1 ~ See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are…

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